i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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