im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
