I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
