somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
