I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
