i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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