I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
