i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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