fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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