I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
