I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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