I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Please don't give away my fajitas
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
