That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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