he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
