So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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