I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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