just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
