so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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