How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
