It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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