I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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