First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize