You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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