If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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