i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
