if i can run in heels then i can drive
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
