we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm like, not good at living.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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