Nicole vs. Life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
