absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
