Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
