At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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