Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
