So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
