that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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