We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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