I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize