I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize