Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
