So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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