Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
birth control should be required to get into college
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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