I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize