every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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