My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
