Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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