Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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