How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
