She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
