wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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