you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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