I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
