in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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