next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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