when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
