ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
